This is a continuation from my previous post http://elizabetsyt.com/?p=11. It’s 7 weeks’ worth of demands while laying bed-bound in the hospital. May the force be with you if you can get through the entire thing. You should probably make a bowl of popcorn and get something strong to drink. I was sober when I wrote it but that doesn’t mean you have to be when you read it. I think I got better with the demands the longer I was there…probably the insanity taking hold. Hope you enjoy it!
Here is the infamous List of Demands!
1~ Bedpan should have the bottom brushed off before it’s brought to me so as not to leave any dirt under my delicate gluteus maximus.
2~ Milkshakes should be thick enough to just make it up the straw.
3~ My chart should be discreetly left on my monitor machine.
4~ Schedules of all nurses shall be posted along with their name, age and food dishes they prepare that are of gourmet standards.
5~ Nobody is allowed to call me by my initials unless they smell Lysol coming out from underneath the door.
6~ “Princess” is no longer an acceptable name when referring to me (it’s too prissy). You may now call me Queen Elizabeth, The Supreme Goddess, Exalted One or Head Wench.
7~ My scalp should be massaged at least 5 minutes during my shampoos. A manicure would be nice too.
8~ It’s time I get designer Garfield Band-Aids to cover all these holes you keep poking in me. These flesh-colored ones are unbefitting.
9~ No one’s allowed to make remarks about my snoring (which I have a hard time believing that I do) unless they refer to it as having a pleasant, sort of lyrical quality.
10~ I’d like to hear a happy tune sung (or hummed) whenever any hospital personnel walks past my door (even the mucky-mucks).
11~ There will be no more excessive use of tape on the hairy parts of my arm when you change my IV site. Laughing (or smirking) while pulling the old tape off my arm will no longer be tolerated!
12~ The kitchen shall be informed that my salads have too much H2O in the bottom of the dish. They should be drained right before it’s brought to me, or they can hand dry the lettuce (lightly patted).
13~ Once every two weeks I want a male stripper to perform outside my open door. I prefer Arab Sheiks or Men in Uniform (cop) and I prefer creamy Kraft or Heinz Horseradish Sauce instead of whipped cream.
14~ The Queen (Me) is always right!! …and I always win at Atari (and similar) games.
15~ I want music from the 50’s, 60’s, 70’s piped in during the daylight hours and Classical piped in (from outside my door) during my snooze hours. No Jazz or Twangy Country Western stuff.
16~ Every other morning (preferably Odd Days) I would like the area between my toes cleaned with a solution of rose water & lotion using a Q-tip swab.
17~ Every night I want a foot massage done on the bottom of my feet with Oil of Olay because they’re starting to look Old and unsightly.
18~ As a treat for me, from all the abuse & neglect I receive from you little ‘nurse maids,’ I deserve to have someone come in every night before bedtime to give me a facial so as to protect my porcelain skin from this dreadfully dry hospital air.
19~ I would like special permission from Joe to allow Puppy Chow to visit me at least once a week. I mean she is part of the family! Our 1st born.
20~ This is the most important demand!! Whenever my Love Slave (you know him as Gary) comes for a visit, I would like a double bed brought in (satin sheets are optional) so we can play pretend husband & wife. We would of course just lay there & look at the ceiling and talk about non-sexual things like bills, the upcoming property tax and baby diapers & vomit. Around 10-15 candles lit around the room and some romantic music piped under the door would be a nice touch too!
21~ The Queen is served her food first! No one is allowed to eat anything that smells delicious (or even yummy) until then.
22~ I would like a fresh flower placed in my room every morning before I wake up. If you have to take it from someone else’s bouquet, then so be it.
23~ Only blue-green colored secondary IV needles are allowed in my arm.
24~ I want permission from Physical Therapy (or whoever can get it for me) to have scented Bubble Baths in the Hubbard Tank on Monday, Wednesdays & Fridays for at least ½ hour.
25~ All doctors shall show the utmost respect for the nurses who have dedicated their lives to me. A salute (or bow) as they pass my door would be nice too!
26~ Stay out of my underwear closet you perverts. I know that you sneak a peak in my locker and then tell me you were getting supplies out of the other 2 lockers. I can see through walls you know.
27~ I would like someone to check out the hospital supply stores and see if any of them carry Aqua colored (or any other snazzy color) bedpans, pitcher & emesis basin (completed) to brighten up my room. This geeky gold has got to go. Its color is unbecoming to a person of my ‘station in life.’
28~ Whenever it gets boring on ‘my’ floor just give me a call and I’ll ‘buzz’ out songs on my call light. We’ll see who can guess the song first.
29~ Whenever I have guests visiting, I would like a tray of hors d’oeuvres and beverages served in my room. I would prefer it if the nursemaids serving us would wear a white hat, apron & spiked heels. A French accent would be a nice touch too.
30~ When #1 daughter comes for a visit I would like a babysitting schedule made up using a few nurses on duty back here (as long as I know them and their S.S. number, home address, fingerprint on file and a front and side photo). We only need a ½ hour service which would pay 25¢.
31~ I think I deserve to be the 1st patient to get talked about at the change of shift meetings. I also want you to talk loud enough so I can hear you in my room.
32~ I don’t want any more grief from you wenches the next time I tell you I’m going to have the baby. When I say I want to deliver the baby now, I mean NOW! There will be no more excuses or dilly-dallying around when I ask you to call Mary to come and deliver the baby. I also want it delivered at 7 or 9 P.M.
33~ Any person carrying a lab tray filled with needles & test tubes is not allowed in my room without written permission from Dr. Mary. If you don’t have an extremely good reason, take your demonic, vampire needs to another room.
34~ No more nightly visits from the graveyard shift to drip greasy food stains on my sheets & hospital gown. I’m very careful when I eat so I know the stains aren’t mine! Beware you Pig Monsters, I might wake up next time!
35~ There will be no more IV’s stuck in my finger or wrist. (that really hurts) I don’t want to hear about the IV’s you stick in people’s feet! That’s sick!
36~ I need a remote control camera placed outside my door so I can see down the halls and locate the ‘disappearing’ nurses who duck out of my view. It would be much more entertaining than the T.V. shows.
37~ I need blackmail pictures of Dr. Mary eating dessert or junk food. Any knowledge of her eating habits (esp. the dates, places and junk food eaten) would be greatly appreciated!
38~ To all nurses who don’t work in labor dept: You’re supposed to come running when I ring my bell, not laugh at it! Watch the labor nurses if you have any questions to the procedure.
39~ When I’m watching you with the binoculars you have to talk slower because I can’t read lips yet. Enunciate your words carefully. Thanks.
40~ This is a Free Demand! Because I’m so awfully sweet and mild mannered, I’ve decided that you can have a ‘vacation’ on every 40th demand. Now doesn’t that make you feel warm all over and even more respectful towards me?!! Lovingly, Your Resident Mommy Dearest
41~ TO SANDY~ Because I’ve been here so long I feel I deserve to have my very own private nurse instead of throwing me into the throng of other mothers.
42~ I want my room to be roped off with a red velvet cord so people can view me in a more awed atmosphere.
43~ There is to be a private viewing of Bednobs & Broomsticks for all hospital personnel that were depraved deprived as children.
44~ I want my very own hospital nametag that reads “The Queen Mother.”
45~ You may take turns singing to our baby. Suggestions are “Irish Lullabye,” all 4 verses to “Rock-a-bye Baby” and the infamous family “Bye-O” song (my mom can teach you).
46~ There’s still time for all of you to become normal like me! Call me for an appointment ~ I’m cheap (literally or figuratively-it’s up to you).
47~ When I’m gone I want my room made into a shrine. When it becomes part of the nursery I want it named “The Queen Mother Nursery.”
48~ Now that you have delivered 2 children of Royal Blood, I think you should change the Nurse/Baby picture in the nurse’s station to one featuring #1 & #2 along with me, their Royal Mother.
49~ I demand that all of you take a bow and give yourself a big kiss from the Queen for all the great things you’ve done for me and my sanity (I really am normal!!).
You are either an incredible person or just incredibly bored with life today. Kudos to you for taking the time to read this entire list! I think you should treat yourself to something spectacular…like a nap or a spoonful of spicy peanut butter with chocolate chips sprinkled on top!
Here’s a picture of the frog mentioned in post: http://elizabetsyt.com/im-more-fun-than-the-queen-across-the-pond/