Monthly Archives: April 2013

Goodbye Dad, I Love You!

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I love my family. They’re a freaky fun umbilical cord to my gene pool.

This week my family has been gathering in Madison to laugh, to cry, to share memories and ultimately, to say goodbye to my father. I find it ironic that he was born in Madison and even though he doesn’t live here anymore, he will come full circle by dying here. Life’s little coincidence? I don’t think so.

We had great fun and wonderful memories coming to visit my Grandma & Grandpa and aunts & uncles in Madison. My dad had some pretty incredible parents & siblings. They did remarkable acts of love for each other and my parents did the same for us kids.

By some other people’s standards we were poor. My parents reproduced like rabbits and raised ten kids on a very limited income with help from his brother’s & sister. As far as us kids knew we always had enough. We ate cheaply but we didn’t go hungry. We weren’t the best dressed kids but we had clean clothes. We didn’t have the latest toys but we were quite an imaginative bunch with creating our own fun, especially outside. By a freaky twist of fate all ten of us were born in a different month so at least once a month we had birthday cake.

When they couldn’t cram all of us into a station wagon ‘comfortably’ anymore they bought an old school bus & converted it into a camp-mobile. Our camping trips were epic! Dad playing his guitar & singing around the campfire was the highlight. Our family times were filled with laughter, fun, fighting, humor, cat-fights and just enough dysfunction to keep our bonds of loyalty intact.

My dad gave us unconditional love. He was there for us when we needed his help and he was with us to help celebrate the little stuff along with the big. His caring & giving to people and animals was immeasurable. He had a wicked sense of humor that was passed on to us kids which often bit him in the ass because we gave him a run for his money when bantering back & forth with him. Some people may have viewed it as being disrespectful, instead, my dad enjoyed it and found the humor in it. I could talk about anything with him and often did. Nothing was off-limits.

When I arrived at the hospital on Tuesday night it looked like I would not have the chance to ever communicate with him again. Wednesday morning I was talking & laughing in his room with siblings when I had a light bulb moment & in an excited voice loudly exclaimed, “We can bring Dad to Ireland!!!” (referring to his ashes). His eyes popped open & he looked at me. I was already excited but now I’m thinking, “Holy crap! He’s not in a coma!” So without a beat I said, “Dad. Do you want to go to Ireland with us?! “When?” he said. “I don’t know, sometime in May?” He actually looked like he was thinking and made some ‘maybe’ noises and then went back to sleep. I was ecstatic! I was so going to bring my Dad to Ireland!

This last week of his life has been a truely spiritual gift. When doctors thought he was entering into the coma stage of death, he defied them and ‘came back’ to us for additional days of interaction. Despite the emotional roller coaster ride of watching someone in the throes of dying, my dad’s verbal and non-verbal interactions with us and the hospital staff brought us sweet relief in the form of laughter & words of love. He loved puckering up and giving my Mom kisses.

We’ve brought him to hospice now and he’s in the final stages of life. I curse these damnedable love emotions and the tears they create. I’m tired of crying and yet the tears keep coming and they burn my eyes. Going out to the woods to cry was therapeutic; you can really let loose and Mother Nature is very understanding. I am honored to have had my father’s unconditional love and even though I went kicking and screaming into caring for him, I have learned valuable lessons from the experience. I learned that I have unconditional love for him too.

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

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Life is an unending succession of learning. People come into your life and sometimes it’s, “What the hell were my lessons supposed to be in all THIS?!” Hopefully you figure it out so you can let them go and carry on with life. But sometimes the people who come into your life are the ones with a lifetime of lessons for you because they’re your parents. The past couple of years the lessons thrown my way have been confusing and difficult; life’s version of tragicomedy. Thank goodness for my dark-humor gene that keeps me going when life is less than fun.

My dad. My dad gives unconditional love. No matter what you needed; whenever or wherever…he was there for you. He never judged you even when you did really stupid stuff and, just like me, he has a wicked sense of humor. My earliest memories of him embrace his gift of music. He would play his guitar and sing in the upstairs hall when we were wee tots trying to go to sleep. I loved listening to him sing. Our camping adventures always included him & his guitar with music & singing around the campfire. Good times. I respected him a lot while growing up.

I remember the first time during a post college conversation when I thought, “Wow dad, you’re a really intelligent man but I totally disagree with you on some of your views.” I have no idea what we were talking about but I laugh now at how I felt; with my disillusionment that my dad was no longer ‘perfect.’ It’s good to let your parents be human with flaws…which brings me to the current life lesson. Parent’s become elderly and ancient…roles get reversed, even if you go into it kicking and screaming like a two year old.

I was still raising my own kids when it started. The ancient’s mental age seemed to regress. At one point it felt like they were the same age as my teenagers. They needed guidance but were stubborn with my sage words of wisdom. Advice they should be following but not doing. Thank god my kids had already taught me how to let go of the people you love. It’s their life and their life lessons. It can be painful watching them learn the hard way but…it’s their life, not yours. I’m a strong believer in consequences and what they can teach you. My dad’s refusal to take care of himself for health’s sake has ended him up in the hospital, long term.

The steady decline of his physical & mental health has been nerve-wracking to say the least. I did not and do not like the role of being parent to my parents; much like the early years of parenting when you want to pull your hair out. Thank god for Gary. He tag teams with me and when I’m ready to have a meltdown he takes over so I can decompress or cry. I had a hard time accepting that my parents are no longer the people who raised me. It was a hard lesson to learn and move on. Yesterday I learned another valuable lesson.

My anger at my dad has been transferred to the medical personnel that don’t know how to fix him anymore because their drugs no longer work. As a natural healer, I want vitamins & minerals put back into a body that is probably deficient at this point of a necessary balance for a human body to function properly. That won’t happen in a hospital. Natural remedies could heal what the drugs can’t. They don’t do natural. I can’t do anything about it so I have to let go. It hasn’t been easy, it’s been painful. I don’t want to be angry anymore with the man my dad has become. I still love him. I finally realized that after a lifetime of taking care of his large family, he wanted to be taken care of. The sad part is, the route he chose is killing him…slowly. I’m no longer angry with him. I’ve had time away while other family is taking over so I have breathing room to think…and let go.

I love you dad. Thank you for all you’ve taught me.

My heart aches for my sweet baby Stellaluna

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Most people don’t know it but I actually gave birth to Stellaluna on December 4, 1999. You may not believe it, even I didn’t know, until that moment on a cold winter night. Our new puppy needed to go outside for the umpteenth time for a potty break. I’m standing outside with her, dressed in my black & white tennis shoes, black pants, black leather coat with a fur lined hood and my brown hair blowing around my face. After she finishes, she toddles over to me, crawls onto my shoes, curls into a ball and looks up at me. At that moment I realized that to her I actually WAS her mother…and since then she was a momma’s girl through and through.

Stellaluna & Echo 001

Her best friend, Zoe, came to us 2 years later and they became inseparable. They sounded like race horses when they chased each other around the yard. We tried landscaping one year and gave up afterwards. Our design areas seemed to always overlap with their play areas. I loved just watching them play together. Zoe got cancer when she was six and Stella never got over the loss of her. I felt so sorry for her.

It’s been hard the last 2 years to watch Stella slowly get old. Her joints gave her grief and the meds seemed to only give mild relief. She would get anxious whenever I’d leave and not eat. I recently found out that when I would go to work she would lay in the chair by the window all day until I came home. Sometimes she would howl in a soft, low, eerie way that freaked out the kids. Her love for me was intense and sometimes overwhelming yet unconditional. Our love for each other was deep. I feel sorry for people who never experience the love of a pet.

When we came home last night Stella was in the back hall, sitting but in a goofy way. She had urinated and when I helped her stand up realized that her back end was paralyzed. All my fears of this moment hit me full force. We called the 3 girls that don’t live at home and then waited for #2 & PoohBear who were 5 minutes from returning home. We decided on an emergency room in the city that #3, #4 & my eldest sister live in so they could be there; #1 lives too far away. We spent an hour with Stella, petting her, crying, reminiscing of all the wonderful memories we have because of her. I’m so grateful that I have Gary, my girls, my sister, my family…and the Simply Sleep sleeping pills that kept me asleep all night.

I’ll miss how her mouth would go up into a smile when I would come home and her obvious joy that I was back. I’ll miss her companionship. I’ll miss her meeting me at the door. I’ll miss her on our camping trips. I’ll miss all the things that have become habit with her & me. I know she’s with me. I wish it didn’t have to hurt so much. I know she was in pain…and now she’s not. I know she’s with Zoe and they’re racing & happy again. It’s just all so bittersweet…

I love you so much Stellaluna.
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I’ve never had a time in my life that there wasn’t a dog in it. I loved all of them and each was special in their own way but Stella was the closest thing I can imagine to having a soul mate in a dog. My heart feels that she will be the last dog for me. So thank you for the unconditional love Stella, Zoe, Madison, Minka, Gypsy, Brandy, Pixie & Katie.

Carry On…

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I received the ultimate compliment from a teacher the other day. She said she wished she could spend more time around me because I’m always smiling and ‘spreading cheer’ throughout the school. I told her that even if I’m having a bad day, the kind you wish you could spend in a dark room under the covers, it always turns around when I’m at school with the kids & staff because there’s so much positive energy here. It’s great therapy!

One example happened this week Tuesday. I was with my first group of kids, 8:10 in the morning. Before we got started on their reading work I chatted with them about their Easter weekend. I questioned them if they knew that candy has sugar in it and that, blech-gross, they shouldn’t eat it. The reaction I get from the kids is always entertaining. The conversation worked its way around to age and I asked them, “Well, how old do you think I am?” The first boy, “Somewhere in your 30’s.” Second boy agreed, “Yeah, you’re in your 30’s.” The third boy must’ve noticed my eyebrows rise & the smirk in the corner of my mouth, “You’re 40.” The last kid and only girl said, “I think you’re 36.”

I told them what any old sane woman would say, “I LOVE you guys! I love each and every one of you and if I had candy I would give it to you!” (Yeah, I know, sugar is poison…blah, blah, blah). Then I told them that I was really 53. *insert dead silence & the sound of crickets* I wish my eyes could take pictures; it was a Kodak moment. The shocked look in their eyes & their open mouths seemed to say, “And, and you’re still alive?!” The girl was the first to speak, “You don’t look that old at all!” Which I replied, “And YOU are my favorite!”

I love working with the kids; I love the interactions with the staff. I love my job.

And then I have to go home.
And deal with responsibilities in life that just aren’t fun; stuff that’s emotionally draining.
And during a moment last night of just letting some of the emotion out through my tears, the Universe (via my favorite radio station) reminds me…

…to carry on.

We all have hard-hitting crap happen in our life that tests us. I remind myself that some people have it so much worse than what I’m experiencing. It doesn’t make my problems go away but it does make me think of all that I’m grateful for. I like my life. I especially love having fun & laughing so I do it every chance I get; it balances out the sad times where you just have to take a lot of deep breaths, cry (to wash away the toxic chemicals) and carry on…which I believe most of us do very well given the circumstances.

And that’s why I seem to be happy all the time to some people. I’m not always happy…but the alternative isn’t nearly as fun.