Have passport…time to rock & roll!

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With the prospect of 3 of my kids leaving the country for study abroad this summer in Mexico, Ireland, Germany & Spain; it became somewhat necessary that I ought to get a passport for myself. While at city hall last Fall, with #3 to apply for her passport, the elderly lady taking care of us highly recommended, “…at least one parent should also have a passport because, well, on the off chance you need to leave quickly to the country your child is in.” Mrs. Elderly Lady was trying to be discreet in her implication but we both knew what she was saying. “Lalalalalalalalalalalalala…I’ve been trying NOT to think about that scenario, thank you very much! How about rephrasing that into something a little more positive, like, “Hey! Now the 10-year passport clock is ticking for you to get your keester to Ireland!” My ancestors have been patiently calling to me since before I can remember, wondering when I’m coming back to the motherland.
So a month before #1 headed off to Mexico I finally applied for my passport; my initial baby step to Ireland.

The day after my Dad’s funeral I received my passport in the mail. How very appropriate, Dad. After all, I did tell him I was going to bring him to Ireland. But by the time he died my heart was numb and my life had changed in a weird discombobulated way. I had already formulated a list of why I wouldn’t be able to go. It was the customary list of ridiculousness that most people have in these scenarios. Enter…my guardian angels; they got the ball rolling again in my head. A couple close goddess friends of mine exchanged all the excuses I had created with reasons of why I had to make the trip. And then my niece entered the picture…

My niece sat across from me by the side of my Dad’s hospital bed when I announced my intentions on taking him to Ireland. The seed was planted and three weeks later she became the catalyst that propelled us to take the leap. She turned into a rabid lioness who stalked me day & night via e-mails, texts & phone calls with plans for going to Ireland. Meanwhile, my SweetPea was paying attention quietly in the background to the drama unfolding. Unbeknownst to him, he was an important key player in my final decision. We don’t tell each other what to do or not to do and that has worked out pretty slick in our many years of marriage. But if he had not been on board with all of this or had not been happy for me…it would’ve been a deal breaker. He’s still able to surprise me with how immeasurable his love is for me.

I’M GOING TO IRELAND!

I’m trying to contain myself by directing my energy on the every day stuff and the rites of passage my kids are making. I’m focused on #1 leaving for Mexico and returning safely home as #4 leaves for her own adventures in Ireland. The excitement of seeing her online pictures makes me a wee bit giddy of what’s to come. In three more weeks #3 heads to Spain and #4 will be in Germany; then the countdown begins for my trip of a lifetime. Not to be outdone, #2 will also be accompanying my niece and me to Ireland. It doesn’t seem real yet. So, along with the wait for my Dad’s death to finally hit home, I will be waiting for the excitement of Ireland to take hold. Somehow it feels like the two will be going hand in hand. And I smile inside at the bittersweet appropriateness of it all.

Friends+Whiskey+The Bocks=Therapy

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Today’s been a relatively normal feeling day. Only one episode of crying during a moment of quiet in the car between the chaos of planning the funeral, helping my mom and trying to accomplish my own errands. My house is crazy dirty & unorganized because before I took off down to be with my dad we were in the midst of purging the house and reorganizing; that all got put on hold right in the middle of things getting worse before they get better. Things are still in the ‘worse’ stage at home.

In the middle of an errand I get a phone call from two friends, Kathy & Maria, who went to my father’s funeral only to discover that no one was there…
“Hmmm, there should at least be cars from the family here!”
They were all dressed up with no place to go so we made plans to meet at a local restaurant. I call Gary to let him know I won’t be coming home because I’ll be having a pre-wake for my father with friends.
“What a surprise,” Gary exclaimed, “Russ & Julie are here at the house because they went to the funeral and no one was there.”
“Holy Crap!” How many people thought the funeral was today?! This is insanely embarrassing! Earlier today two of my mom’s friends were bringing food for all the family that was expected and it didn’t occur to me what was happening because there actually IS family coming to help prepare for the funeral.

I thanked Julie & Russ, Kathy & Maria, for coming to my dad’s funeral…a week early. We talked, laughed & reminisced. It was still a pretty wonderful time because all of them can relate with losing a parent and they know what I’m experiencing (even if I hadn’t told them) and it’s oddly comforting knowing that. I love you guys a lot!

Coming home to the band practicing was another level of therapy. I brought shot glasses and my Irish whiskey to the basement and the guys and I toasted to my dad and his incredible gift of music. Coach taught himself to play the guitar just like my dad did. We talked about life and they played to me the music I love. Music, friends & laughter are the best kind of therapy around. Once again I am so aware, at this exact moment in my life, of how freaking blessed I am! I am so grateful for the people that are in my life. It feels like my dad is already communicating to me through my friends.

I cried so much over the last 2 weeks and now, I feel oddly at peace when I think of my dad. I had an incredible relationship with him; through happy & difficult times. Without really having the right words, my visual take on it is that, it feels like his unconditional love for me is wrapped around my heart like a protective shield…at least for now. The emotions may flood back once the funeral is underway. But for now, I appreciate the peace I feel.

Goodbye Dad, I Love You!

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I love my family. They’re a freaky fun umbilical cord to my gene pool.

This week my family has been gathering in Madison to laugh, to cry, to share memories and ultimately, to say goodbye to my father. I find it ironic that he was born in Madison and even though he doesn’t live here anymore, he will come full circle by dying here. Life’s little coincidence? I don’t think so.

We had great fun and wonderful memories coming to visit my Grandma & Grandpa and aunts & uncles in Madison. My dad had some pretty incredible parents & siblings. They did remarkable acts of love for each other and my parents did the same for us kids.

By some other people’s standards we were poor. My parents reproduced like rabbits and raised ten kids on a very limited income with help from his brother’s & sister. As far as us kids knew we always had enough. We ate cheaply but we didn’t go hungry. We weren’t the best dressed kids but we had clean clothes. We didn’t have the latest toys but we were quite an imaginative bunch with creating our own fun, especially outside. By a freaky twist of fate all ten of us were born in a different month so at least once a month we had birthday cake.

When they couldn’t cram all of us into a station wagon ‘comfortably’ anymore they bought an old school bus & converted it into a camp-mobile. Our camping trips were epic! Dad playing his guitar & singing around the campfire was the highlight. Our family times were filled with laughter, fun, fighting, humor, cat-fights and just enough dysfunction to keep our bonds of loyalty intact.

My dad gave us unconditional love. He was there for us when we needed his help and he was with us to help celebrate the little stuff along with the big. His caring & giving to people and animals was immeasurable. He had a wicked sense of humor that was passed on to us kids which often bit him in the ass because we gave him a run for his money when bantering back & forth with him. Some people may have viewed it as being disrespectful, instead, my dad enjoyed it and found the humor in it. I could talk about anything with him and often did. Nothing was off-limits.

When I arrived at the hospital on Tuesday night it looked like I would not have the chance to ever communicate with him again. Wednesday morning I was talking & laughing in his room with siblings when I had a light bulb moment & in an excited voice loudly exclaimed, “We can bring Dad to Ireland!!!” (referring to his ashes). His eyes popped open & he looked at me. I was already excited but now I’m thinking, “Holy crap! He’s not in a coma!” So without a beat I said, “Dad. Do you want to go to Ireland with us?! “When?” he said. “I don’t know, sometime in May?” He actually looked like he was thinking and made some ‘maybe’ noises and then went back to sleep. I was ecstatic! I was so going to bring my Dad to Ireland!

This last week of his life has been a truely spiritual gift. When doctors thought he was entering into the coma stage of death, he defied them and ‘came back’ to us for additional days of interaction. Despite the emotional roller coaster ride of watching someone in the throes of dying, my dad’s verbal and non-verbal interactions with us and the hospital staff brought us sweet relief in the form of laughter & words of love. He loved puckering up and giving my Mom kisses.

We’ve brought him to hospice now and he’s in the final stages of life. I curse these damnedable love emotions and the tears they create. I’m tired of crying and yet the tears keep coming and they burn my eyes. Going out to the woods to cry was therapeutic; you can really let loose and Mother Nature is very understanding. I am honored to have had my father’s unconditional love and even though I went kicking and screaming into caring for him, I have learned valuable lessons from the experience. I learned that I have unconditional love for him too.

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

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Life is an unending succession of learning. People come into your life and sometimes it’s, “What the hell were my lessons supposed to be in all THIS?!” Hopefully you figure it out so you can let them go and carry on with life. But sometimes the people who come into your life are the ones with a lifetime of lessons for you because they’re your parents. The past couple of years the lessons thrown my way have been confusing and difficult; life’s version of tragicomedy. Thank goodness for my dark-humor gene that keeps me going when life is less than fun.

My dad. My dad gives unconditional love. No matter what you needed; whenever or wherever…he was there for you. He never judged you even when you did really stupid stuff and, just like me, he has a wicked sense of humor. My earliest memories of him embrace his gift of music. He would play his guitar and sing in the upstairs hall when we were wee tots trying to go to sleep. I loved listening to him sing. Our camping adventures always included him & his guitar with music & singing around the campfire. Good times. I respected him a lot while growing up.

I remember the first time during a post college conversation when I thought, “Wow dad, you’re a really intelligent man but I totally disagree with you on some of your views.” I have no idea what we were talking about but I laugh now at how I felt; with my disillusionment that my dad was no longer ‘perfect.’ It’s good to let your parents be human with flaws…which brings me to the current life lesson. Parent’s become elderly and ancient…roles get reversed, even if you go into it kicking and screaming like a two year old.

I was still raising my own kids when it started. The ancient’s mental age seemed to regress. At one point it felt like they were the same age as my teenagers. They needed guidance but were stubborn with my sage words of wisdom. Advice they should be following but not doing. Thank god my kids had already taught me how to let go of the people you love. It’s their life and their life lessons. It can be painful watching them learn the hard way but…it’s their life, not yours. I’m a strong believer in consequences and what they can teach you. My dad’s refusal to take care of himself for health’s sake has ended him up in the hospital, long term.

The steady decline of his physical & mental health has been nerve-wracking to say the least. I did not and do not like the role of being parent to my parents; much like the early years of parenting when you want to pull your hair out. Thank god for Gary. He tag teams with me and when I’m ready to have a meltdown he takes over so I can decompress or cry. I had a hard time accepting that my parents are no longer the people who raised me. It was a hard lesson to learn and move on. Yesterday I learned another valuable lesson.

My anger at my dad has been transferred to the medical personnel that don’t know how to fix him anymore because their drugs no longer work. As a natural healer, I want vitamins & minerals put back into a body that is probably deficient at this point of a necessary balance for a human body to function properly. That won’t happen in a hospital. Natural remedies could heal what the drugs can’t. They don’t do natural. I can’t do anything about it so I have to let go. It hasn’t been easy, it’s been painful. I don’t want to be angry anymore with the man my dad has become. I still love him. I finally realized that after a lifetime of taking care of his large family, he wanted to be taken care of. The sad part is, the route he chose is killing him…slowly. I’m no longer angry with him. I’ve had time away while other family is taking over so I have breathing room to think…and let go.

I love you dad. Thank you for all you’ve taught me.

My heart aches for my sweet baby Stellaluna

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Most people don’t know it but I actually gave birth to Stellaluna on December 4, 1999. You may not believe it, even I didn’t know, until that moment on a cold winter night. Our new puppy needed to go outside for the umpteenth time for a potty break. I’m standing outside with her, dressed in my black & white tennis shoes, black pants, black leather coat with a fur lined hood and my brown hair blowing around my face. After she finishes, she toddles over to me, crawls onto my shoes, curls into a ball and looks up at me. At that moment I realized that to her I actually WAS her mother…and since then she was a momma’s girl through and through.

Stellaluna & Echo 001

Her best friend, Zoe, came to us 2 years later and they became inseparable. They sounded like race horses when they chased each other around the yard. We tried landscaping one year and gave up afterwards. Our design areas seemed to always overlap with their play areas. I loved just watching them play together. Zoe got cancer when she was six and Stella never got over the loss of her. I felt so sorry for her.

It’s been hard the last 2 years to watch Stella slowly get old. Her joints gave her grief and the meds seemed to only give mild relief. She would get anxious whenever I’d leave and not eat. I recently found out that when I would go to work she would lay in the chair by the window all day until I came home. Sometimes she would howl in a soft, low, eerie way that freaked out the kids. Her love for me was intense and sometimes overwhelming yet unconditional. Our love for each other was deep. I feel sorry for people who never experience the love of a pet.

When we came home last night Stella was in the back hall, sitting but in a goofy way. She had urinated and when I helped her stand up realized that her back end was paralyzed. All my fears of this moment hit me full force. We called the 3 girls that don’t live at home and then waited for #2 & PoohBear who were 5 minutes from returning home. We decided on an emergency room in the city that #3, #4 & my eldest sister live in so they could be there; #1 lives too far away. We spent an hour with Stella, petting her, crying, reminiscing of all the wonderful memories we have because of her. I’m so grateful that I have Gary, my girls, my sister, my family…and the Simply Sleep sleeping pills that kept me asleep all night.

I’ll miss how her mouth would go up into a smile when I would come home and her obvious joy that I was back. I’ll miss her companionship. I’ll miss her meeting me at the door. I’ll miss her on our camping trips. I’ll miss all the things that have become habit with her & me. I know she’s with me. I wish it didn’t have to hurt so much. I know she was in pain…and now she’s not. I know she’s with Zoe and they’re racing & happy again. It’s just all so bittersweet…

I love you so much Stellaluna.
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I’ve never had a time in my life that there wasn’t a dog in it. I loved all of them and each was special in their own way but Stella was the closest thing I can imagine to having a soul mate in a dog. My heart feels that she will be the last dog for me. So thank you for the unconditional love Stella, Zoe, Madison, Minka, Gypsy, Brandy, Pixie & Katie.

Carry On…

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I received the ultimate compliment from a teacher the other day. She said she wished she could spend more time around me because I’m always smiling and ‘spreading cheer’ throughout the school. I told her that even if I’m having a bad day, the kind you wish you could spend in a dark room under the covers, it always turns around when I’m at school with the kids & staff because there’s so much positive energy here. It’s great therapy!

One example happened this week Tuesday. I was with my first group of kids, 8:10 in the morning. Before we got started on their reading work I chatted with them about their Easter weekend. I questioned them if they knew that candy has sugar in it and that, blech-gross, they shouldn’t eat it. The reaction I get from the kids is always entertaining. The conversation worked its way around to age and I asked them, “Well, how old do you think I am?” The first boy, “Somewhere in your 30’s.” Second boy agreed, “Yeah, you’re in your 30’s.” The third boy must’ve noticed my eyebrows rise & the smirk in the corner of my mouth, “You’re 40.” The last kid and only girl said, “I think you’re 36.”

I told them what any old sane woman would say, “I LOVE you guys! I love each and every one of you and if I had candy I would give it to you!” (Yeah, I know, sugar is poison…blah, blah, blah). Then I told them that I was really 53. *insert dead silence & the sound of crickets* I wish my eyes could take pictures; it was a Kodak moment. The shocked look in their eyes & their open mouths seemed to say, “And, and you’re still alive?!” The girl was the first to speak, “You don’t look that old at all!” Which I replied, “And YOU are my favorite!”

I love working with the kids; I love the interactions with the staff. I love my job.

And then I have to go home.
And deal with responsibilities in life that just aren’t fun; stuff that’s emotionally draining.
And during a moment last night of just letting some of the emotion out through my tears, the Universe (via my favorite radio station) reminds me…

…to carry on.

We all have hard-hitting crap happen in our life that tests us. I remind myself that some people have it so much worse than what I’m experiencing. It doesn’t make my problems go away but it does make me think of all that I’m grateful for. I like my life. I especially love having fun & laughing so I do it every chance I get; it balances out the sad times where you just have to take a lot of deep breaths, cry (to wash away the toxic chemicals) and carry on…which I believe most of us do very well given the circumstances.

And that’s why I seem to be happy all the time to some people. I’m not always happy…but the alternative isn’t nearly as fun.

Naked Yoga is in a holding pattern

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Three (or is it four) weeks of empty nest after #3 and her OsoBear moved out. Oso bought a house in the big city that he’s had his eye on for almost a year. This is why they moved in with us in the first place; so he could save his money instead of putting it all into rent. Excited wasn’t a strong enough word for how he felt when he signed the papers. After telling us, he even told Peach the cat how excited he was. Understandable because buying a house is a really big deal! So they’re all settled in and turning the house into a home.

Sunday, #2 daughter & her PoohBear get a call that there was someone interested in their (very expensive) apartment & if they wanted out of their lease early they need to be out by Wednesday (June 30th’s lease date was a long time & a lot of money away). WooHoo!!! I was thrilled to pieces that they could leave early! So the scramble began. Trailers were loaded. Cars & vans packed to the roof (I’m an excellent packer…great spatial perception). Treks up & down basement steps for storage & more again for their living area upstairs. Advil was our friend! Thank god for Pooh’s brother, dad & mom for helping; it goes so much faster with more hands.

Most of Wednesday, #2 & I cleaned the apartment. Top, bottom, inside-out. The lease pretty much stated that it needed to look like a brand new apartment. If there was a surface, we cleaned it…we wanted ALL the money back! I’m so happy they aren’t slobs! Oh yeah, that burned out light bulb we couldn’t find in any store that we had to replace…they have to special order it! Seriously?! (insert any foul language here) Well then, I guess you’ll have to charge us for it huh? What a scam.

Notwithstanding the negative reasons; I’m going to just dwell on the positive.
1) We have the cheapest rent in these parts. Now they too can save some money for more important things! Like #2’s college loan (and Pooh’s when he graduates).
2) I get to see my 2 grandkittens EVERY DAY if I want to. The boys love their grandma!
3) I can go back to only visiting this particular city when I attend functions at my Alma mater or hang out with my girlfriend. Oh Happy Day!
4) Getting a full load of clothes for the washing machine shouldn’t be a problem anymore.
5) I think it’s cool to get a chance with yet another daughter to spend more time with them before they leave ‘for good’ to start a new life.
6) Gary & I will have to put naked yoga in the living room on hold for now…you’re very welcome #2 & Pooh. We can wait.

I think my body has recovered enough to celebrate #3’s birthday today & tomorrow. Happy Birthday #3!!!

Are they ever REALLY gone?!

There’s a rock band in my basement

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I wish this was the title of my new book but until then…there’s a rock band in my basement and I’m a happy rockin’ camper. I can’t imagine ever tiring of the sweet sounds of the songs I love (& even those that are new and ‘not quite there yet’) swirling loudly around my living room. It’s been an emotionally tiring afternoon/evening and the songs are really helping me maintain a sane mood.
They’ve asked me what songs I like to dance to and then surprised me when they started practicing Real Wild Child. It’s only my ultimate favorite song! I love, love, love that Gary’s in another rock band! I love music!

Should I Stay or Should I Go…you should STAY!

Do You Wanna Dance? Yes I do! Very Much!

I Wanna Be Sedated…lol, after what happened today, yeah, that would be nice!

Closing Time…not quite yet.

Now where’s that little vixen hiding?

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HAPPY SPRING EQUINOX!!!
Hey!
Where are you?
Byam Shaw Rising Spring
Byam Shaw “Rising Spring”

She’s just harder to see with the blanket of snow covering her but she IS under there…somewhere
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Okay, I admit…I love winter…I love the pretty snow…but even I was hoping for a balmy 30 40 degrees and a lot less snow.
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So here’s my ray of sunshiney hope. Hang on to your sanity, if not for the sake of yourself, do it for the apples. Last year this time while we were shaving off our gorilla growth to wear shorts & t-shirts again, Mother Nature was budding out into the false security of spring. And because we live in the Midwest…what happened next? We froze our butts right back into our winter coats! And all the produce that was blossoming out froze. No apples on our trees AND other produce died a horrible flash frozen early death. I’m not keen on how much my apples are costing us right now.

For those of you that are going to respond with, “Blah, blah, blah, blah!” here’s a nice video with warm weather pictures.

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That’s me lucky charms…they’re magically delicious

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I love St. Patrick’s weekend, it’s a happy little holiday.

I love, love, love Irish music! The fast, loud stuff makes all the cells in my body dance like whirling dervishes; the quiet stuff makes me calm and soulful. Either way, their affect creates happiness for me! After last night’s celebration I decided I’m going to have to move to Ireland for a year. There just aren’t enough Celtic bands around here; great sadness (& I’m pretty sure Ireland would have a whole bunch of people who could teach me how to really play my bodhran drum). So for now I’m gearing up for the Irish Fest celebrations this summer to get my next fix of the good stuff and continue to improve on my ceili dance steps. I can’t wait!!!


Byam Shaw “Rising Spring”

I love Irish beer & whiskey. Usually I drink them straight up & separate from each other. This year my sister-in-law was with me and she insisted (strongly) that we have an Irish Car Bomb. So after I had a couple of my token Guinness’ we moved on to shots. A good idea? Hard to say at this point so let’s wait and see. Not a lover of the Irish Car Bomb. Let’s analyze. Exploding cars don’t promote happiness…I like to promote happiness. If people would drink their beer & whiskey separate like I do maybe there wouldn’t be exploding cars in Ireland. Just sayin.’ Then we tried a Nutty Irishman…sweet & tasty! At this point I decided I wanted to try all the Irish drinks/shots on their menu. Next up was The Sheriff of Nottingham. I told the bartender (from Ireland with his cute little accent) that the sheriff was a naughty guy so the shot was changed to The Sheriff of Naughtyham. For being naughty it tasted rather nice.

I took a break at this point and switched to water where I became *poof* instantly sober again. That’s my story. I’m stickin’ to it. This is the point in the night that I found out that the rugged man in the kilt was wearing only his lucky charms underneath. I love kilts. Let’s all raise a glass for the kilt!

One more shot to go…The Slippery Leprechaun. It was creamy golden deliciousness! I rinsed the sweetness out of my mouth with a glass of Smithwick’s and more water before we left for home. It was a great night of music, friends & fun (& a lot of sober giggling).

In the dark quietness of our bedroom:
Me, “We need to move to Ireland for a year. I’ll do my energy healing & you can fix people’s stuff.”
Gary, “Okay.”

Betsy, Elizabeth & Tebazilena smiled, did a happy jig…and fell asleep.

SheRa found my secret hiding spot

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And now I’m even more appreciative of my massage therapist.
I’m starting to think I’m a walking, talking guitar string; my muscles seem to be tight everywhere. I know my massage therapist is making huge progress just by how I feel but it also seems like 3 steps forward…one step backward. My unresolved emotions seem to think that my muscles are their personal storage facility. Maybe if I start charging rent they’ll stop this madness!
SheRa walked all over me on one of my visits. It was my first time and it was really cool! The broadness of her feet and the weight of her body really gave my scapula’s a run for their money. They’re supposed to move…they didn’t; now they do! Even though she can’t dig into spots like her fingers can, her feet found muscles in my legs that made me stop talking so I could breathe through the pain.
We have a number system for pain level. She backs off when it gets to an 8 although there are a few times when I just breathe through it because I want that muscle to get back to normal. And that is what happened when she inadvertently found…my secrets spot.
My next session with SheRa was back to using her hands. She started working on the muscles under & around my arm pit and they were incredibly tight and sore. SheRa’s response, “OMG, what are you hiding under here?” Betsy & Elizabeth were concentrating on relaxing the muscle in question. Out of nowhere Tebazilena said, “My secrets. The stuff I don’t tell anyone.” And then my eyes started leaking. SheRa noticed and asked me a couple questions. I don’t even remember what she asked or what I answered but then the damn broke & I was crying a LOT!
And now SheRa knows my secrets. Everything came tumbling out and then…calm. I’ve noticed over the last couple weeks that it’s gotten easier to deal with/release the emotions involved with my secrets. I’m able to see them in a different light. It’s a great feeling! So now my incredible massage therapist is also my therapist. She has done wonders for my physical AND mental body. I’m thankful that she doesn’t charge for both!
Who knew? We have a place on our bodies that we store our secrets. Those tricksy* armpits! I think next time I shave we’re going to have a little talk.
*how can tricksy not be a word?

Gonna Give all my Secrets Away

Welcome to…my Twilight Zone

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I talk a lot.
Not all the time, sometimes I’m actually quiet, but for the most part I like talking.

I had a number of people comment on Facebook that my posts were fun to read but more like blog posts because they were so long (It was a happy day when Facebook stopped limiting how many characters a status post could be). A blog seemed a lot easier than the supposed book the Universe has planned for me to write. So, I read Blogging for Dummies, consulted a blogger friend, and procrastinated because somehow blogging felt more like a commitment & I wanted to do it ‘properly.’ With the well wishes of my Facebook community I started a blog. The safety of my Facebook family to the world wide web of Blogdom without a safety net. It’s been a few months now since I started. And, well, it feels as though I’ve entered…the twilight zone.

It’s a totally different world out here in Blogdom. In Facebook land, it’s kind of like sitting in a living room and friends pop in to hang out and talk. Conversations sometimes banter back & forth as if you are actually with each other. I’ve had some hilarious interactions even when comments are written hours or days apart.
In Blogdom, I’m still Queen Elizabeth of my domain (blog humor) but I feel as though the comfy living room couch is sitting in the middle of the vastness of space. Hello…Hello…Hello. Is anybody out there?!…Is anybody out there?!…Is anybody out there?!

I’ve decided to set up my living room on the Milky Way because there are lots of lights and it’s pretty…pretty darn quiet (I made sure it wasn’t near a black hole. Those bastards will literally suck you up and not spit you out). Betsy wanted to run back to the sanctuary of Facebook and the camaraderie of friends. Elizabeth & T have discussed the melancholy of our experience so far and decided we’re staying put. It’s harder to be funny on command with the expectation that you ‘should’ post every 3 days. It’s hard to post humor when life just isn’t funny sometimes. Blogging is not what we thought it would be so we’re rethinking how we view it.

We’re letting go of the instant gratification that Facebook can be. Instead, we’ll assume it’ll just be the 3 of us discussing life, and if some manner of ‘wild life’ happens in…all the merrier! Tebazilena wants to change the setting to an ancient forest clearing. She likes being grounded (not for being naughty…that’s Elizabeth’s forte). Elizabeth’s stringing white lights in the trees and Betsy’s in charge of refreshments. We’ve downsized the party to a smaller, more intimate level…for now. This change shouldn’t be too difficult. I’ve entertained myself my whole life; I’m usually easily amused!
At least I seem to be ‘popular’ enough to get picked up by a Chinese spam site. We’re about as excited of that as we are with the Made in China stickers on virtually every bloody thing sold.

Life…she’s a bitch sometimes.

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And yet, I still love her!

I understand that change is necessary. Sometimes the change brings relief and sometimes it just plain sucks getting through it. There are all sorts of quotes out there that apply the concept and remind us that usually the end results are in our favor. I agree, even if all that ever happens is relief, that the pain is over and done with. There have been quite a few times that it’s been months or years before I can make sense of what I experienced and the lessons I learned from it. There is always something to be learned or be grateful for.

The past couple years have been a lengthy lesson to the point that I’m just getting worn down from it all. I’ve learned a LOT about myself from it! Lately, I’ve consulted the Universe, my dog, the cats, Tarot cards, my dead relatives, the dust particles floating in the sunlight streaming in my living room by asking, “SERIOUSLY…what more am I supposed to be learning from all of this?!” Nobody’s gotten back to me yet, go figure. Thank god I’m stubborn in my own special way; it’s what’s going to get me through to normalcy again. I told Gary that this must be the female version of a mid-life crisis. I’ve always assumed only guys go through that mid-life crap…as it should be. He had some philosophical insights on my dilemma which all kind of made sense but it didn’t make it miraculously go away.

So. While I wait impatiently for the next lesson to magically appear (has anyone seen my freakin’ fairy godmother with her god-damn wand?), I’m going to:
1. Concentrate on honing my energy healing. I’ll be working on anyone/anything that moves. It’s too valuable of a skill to not put my heart & soul back into it. It’ll help balance me too…bonus!
2. Finish the stuff that needs to get done in the house.
3. Continue to have fun wherever I can find it!
4. Love myself unconditionally!

I don’t plan on life’s lessons ever ending. I’m always learning new things about myself and trying to change the things I don’t like or at least keep them in check. It’s kind of what makes life rather exciting (just not right now); knowing I’ll never have all the answers until I hit the hay for the last time.

Life sucks sometimes so we can appreciate the good times even more