Tag Archives: death & dying

Friends+Whiskey+The Bocks=Therapy

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Today’s been a relatively normal feeling day. Only one episode of crying during a moment of quiet in the car between the chaos of planning the funeral, helping my mom and trying to accomplish my own errands. My house is crazy dirty & unorganized because before I took off down to be with my dad we were in the midst of purging the house and reorganizing; that all got put on hold right in the middle of things getting worse before they get better. Things are still in the ‘worse’ stage at home.

In the middle of an errand I get a phone call from two friends, Kathy & Maria, who went to my father’s funeral only to discover that no one was there…
“Hmmm, there should at least be cars from the family here!”
They were all dressed up with no place to go so we made plans to meet at a local restaurant. I call Gary to let him know I won’t be coming home because I’ll be having a pre-wake for my father with friends.
“What a surprise,” Gary exclaimed, “Russ & Julie are here at the house because they went to the funeral and no one was there.”
“Holy Crap!” How many people thought the funeral was today?! This is insanely embarrassing! Earlier today two of my mom’s friends were bringing food for all the family that was expected and it didn’t occur to me what was happening because there actually IS family coming to help prepare for the funeral.

I thanked Julie & Russ, Kathy & Maria, for coming to my dad’s funeral…a week early. We talked, laughed & reminisced. It was still a pretty wonderful time because all of them can relate with losing a parent and they know what I’m experiencing (even if I hadn’t told them) and it’s oddly comforting knowing that. I love you guys a lot!

Coming home to the band practicing was another level of therapy. I brought shot glasses and my Irish whiskey to the basement and the guys and I toasted to my dad and his incredible gift of music. Coach taught himself to play the guitar just like my dad did. We talked about life and they played to me the music I love. Music, friends & laughter are the best kind of therapy around. Once again I am so aware, at this exact moment in my life, of how freaking blessed I am! I am so grateful for the people that are in my life. It feels like my dad is already communicating to me through my friends.

I cried so much over the last 2 weeks and now, I feel oddly at peace when I think of my dad. I had an incredible relationship with him; through happy & difficult times. Without really having the right words, my visual take on it is that, it feels like his unconditional love for me is wrapped around my heart like a protective shield…at least for now. The emotions may flood back once the funeral is underway. But for now, I appreciate the peace I feel.

Goodbye Dad, I Love You!

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I love my family. They’re a freaky fun umbilical cord to my gene pool.

This week my family has been gathering in Madison to laugh, to cry, to share memories and ultimately, to say goodbye to my father. I find it ironic that he was born in Madison and even though he doesn’t live here anymore, he will come full circle by dying here. Life’s little coincidence? I don’t think so.

We had great fun and wonderful memories coming to visit my Grandma & Grandpa and aunts & uncles in Madison. My dad had some pretty incredible parents & siblings. They did remarkable acts of love for each other and my parents did the same for us kids.

By some other people’s standards we were poor. My parents reproduced like rabbits and raised ten kids on a very limited income with help from his brother’s & sister. As far as us kids knew we always had enough. We ate cheaply but we didn’t go hungry. We weren’t the best dressed kids but we had clean clothes. We didn’t have the latest toys but we were quite an imaginative bunch with creating our own fun, especially outside. By a freaky twist of fate all ten of us were born in a different month so at least once a month we had birthday cake.

When they couldn’t cram all of us into a station wagon ‘comfortably’ anymore they bought an old school bus & converted it into a camp-mobile. Our camping trips were epic! Dad playing his guitar & singing around the campfire was the highlight. Our family times were filled with laughter, fun, fighting, humor, cat-fights and just enough dysfunction to keep our bonds of loyalty intact.

My dad gave us unconditional love. He was there for us when we needed his help and he was with us to help celebrate the little stuff along with the big. His caring & giving to people and animals was immeasurable. He had a wicked sense of humor that was passed on to us kids which often bit him in the ass because we gave him a run for his money when bantering back & forth with him. Some people may have viewed it as being disrespectful, instead, my dad enjoyed it and found the humor in it. I could talk about anything with him and often did. Nothing was off-limits.

When I arrived at the hospital on Tuesday night it looked like I would not have the chance to ever communicate with him again. Wednesday morning I was talking & laughing in his room with siblings when I had a light bulb moment & in an excited voice loudly exclaimed, “We can bring Dad to Ireland!!!” (referring to his ashes). His eyes popped open & he looked at me. I was already excited but now I’m thinking, “Holy crap! He’s not in a coma!” So without a beat I said, “Dad. Do you want to go to Ireland with us?! “When?” he said. “I don’t know, sometime in May?” He actually looked like he was thinking and made some ‘maybe’ noises and then went back to sleep. I was ecstatic! I was so going to bring my Dad to Ireland!

This last week of his life has been a truely spiritual gift. When doctors thought he was entering into the coma stage of death, he defied them and ‘came back’ to us for additional days of interaction. Despite the emotional roller coaster ride of watching someone in the throes of dying, my dad’s verbal and non-verbal interactions with us and the hospital staff brought us sweet relief in the form of laughter & words of love. He loved puckering up and giving my Mom kisses.

We’ve brought him to hospice now and he’s in the final stages of life. I curse these damnedable love emotions and the tears they create. I’m tired of crying and yet the tears keep coming and they burn my eyes. Going out to the woods to cry was therapeutic; you can really let loose and Mother Nature is very understanding. I am honored to have had my father’s unconditional love and even though I went kicking and screaming into caring for him, I have learned valuable lessons from the experience. I learned that I have unconditional love for him too.

My heart aches for my sweet baby Stellaluna

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Most people don’t know it but I actually gave birth to Stellaluna on December 4, 1999. You may not believe it, even I didn’t know, until that moment on a cold winter night. Our new puppy needed to go outside for the umpteenth time for a potty break. I’m standing outside with her, dressed in my black & white tennis shoes, black pants, black leather coat with a fur lined hood and my brown hair blowing around my face. After she finishes, she toddles over to me, crawls onto my shoes, curls into a ball and looks up at me. At that moment I realized that to her I actually WAS her mother…and since then she was a momma’s girl through and through.

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Her best friend, Zoe, came to us 2 years later and they became inseparable. They sounded like race horses when they chased each other around the yard. We tried landscaping one year and gave up afterwards. Our design areas seemed to always overlap with their play areas. I loved just watching them play together. Zoe got cancer when she was six and Stella never got over the loss of her. I felt so sorry for her.

It’s been hard the last 2 years to watch Stella slowly get old. Her joints gave her grief and the meds seemed to only give mild relief. She would get anxious whenever I’d leave and not eat. I recently found out that when I would go to work she would lay in the chair by the window all day until I came home. Sometimes she would howl in a soft, low, eerie way that freaked out the kids. Her love for me was intense and sometimes overwhelming yet unconditional. Our love for each other was deep. I feel sorry for people who never experience the love of a pet.

When we came home last night Stella was in the back hall, sitting but in a goofy way. She had urinated and when I helped her stand up realized that her back end was paralyzed. All my fears of this moment hit me full force. We called the 3 girls that don’t live at home and then waited for #2 & PoohBear who were 5 minutes from returning home. We decided on an emergency room in the city that #3, #4 & my eldest sister live in so they could be there; #1 lives too far away. We spent an hour with Stella, petting her, crying, reminiscing of all the wonderful memories we have because of her. I’m so grateful that I have Gary, my girls, my sister, my family…and the Simply Sleep sleeping pills that kept me asleep all night.

I’ll miss how her mouth would go up into a smile when I would come home and her obvious joy that I was back. I’ll miss her companionship. I’ll miss her meeting me at the door. I’ll miss her on our camping trips. I’ll miss all the things that have become habit with her & me. I know she’s with me. I wish it didn’t have to hurt so much. I know she was in pain…and now she’s not. I know she’s with Zoe and they’re racing & happy again. It’s just all so bittersweet…

I love you so much Stellaluna.
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I’ve never had a time in my life that there wasn’t a dog in it. I loved all of them and each was special in their own way but Stella was the closest thing I can imagine to having a soul mate in a dog. My heart feels that she will be the last dog for me. So thank you for the unconditional love Stella, Zoe, Madison, Minka, Gypsy, Brandy, Pixie & Katie.